Not Goodbye, See you later!

When you meet your best friend the thought never crosses your mind that you have to say goodbye, that however is exactly what I was faced with as my first deployment was coming to an end. I was forced to say goodbye to not only my best friend but my sister, my second mom and dad, my aunt Tina, my whole other family. This small group of people had been my safe haven in a scary new place. They had seen me through my pregnancy and homesickness and had made my first experience as a Coast Guard wife amazing, now you were asking to leave that? No! That wasn't ok. 

The movers had come, the apartment was empty, the van was packed with trailer in tow and I was sitting in Leah's parents driveway and I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. All I could think was " I can't do this" " This isn't fair!"  When I finally made my way out of the car my little Deacon bean ran into my arms and I lost it! That was the last time I was going to get feel those little arms around my neck for a long time. Leah looked at me and gave me the "Stop it!" face and I somehow managed to get it together for a few minutes anyway. After letting Leah and her mom and dad get last minutes lovin in on my new little girl the time had come for Leah and I to say goodbye. We handed each other cards because we are corney like that and read our day's emotions written out on a Hallmark card. We barely closed the cards before we finally let each let go of our emotions and wrapped up each other in the tightest hugs ever.  

 

As I hugged my sister all I kept thinking was " this isn't fair" " I'm not ready for this" but like it or not I knew this was the life of  the Military and I had better get  used to it, but I still didn't like it. When we finally let go and walked hand in hand we promised each other we wouldn't let this  friendship fail. We would always be family and this wasn't goodbye, this was simply see you later. 

The Importance Of Home

    I grew up in a large family. I, personally, am an only child, but my dad is one of six children and my mom is one of four. All of my Aunts and Uncles had at least two or three children each. Even my great Aunts and Uncles were around and would be at most family functions. There was always Sunday dinner at my Grandma's house, and I use the term "dinner" loosely as it usually happened more around lunch time. Birthday parties, holidays, and other random get togethers would always sprinkle the schedule as well. I grew up constantly surrounded with love and support. That was "Home". That is what home felt like.
     My parents were my rock and very involved in my son's life. My dad was, and still is, my idol. His opinion of me meant more than anything else, and Deacon (my son) thought the world of his Papa. My Mom was my best friend and I could tell her anything. She spoiled my son beyond what any normal grandparent would. They were inseparable. They were "Home" to us. Which is why, on September 21, 2006 I felt like I was losing everything that felt like home to me. That was the day I had to peal myself out of my Dad's embrace, wipe my tears off my cheeks, and set off for our first PCS to sunny California. Up until this point in my life I don't think I had even left the state of Michigan more than three or four times, so this was a big deal for me.  
   I had this mindset that "home" was and could only ever be Michigan. It took a very long time for me to learn that "home" was where ever my husband, my kids, and I were. I learned that if needed, I could make a cardboard box a home. Family could always visit, or we could visit them, and Michigan wasn't going anywhere. My family would always be there, just a phone call away. There are days I still miss being there. Going for walks or drives when the leaves were changing colors, or swimming in freshwater while camping at the lake....but I learned that "home" really is where the heart is, and honestly my children have my heart no matter where we are. They always have and always will. With their love and support, anywhere can be Home.

Traditions and Candy Counts

     Deployments make everything harder on families. They make it difficult to follow family traditions and schedules. They make it difficult to make plans more than a week in advance. They kill vacation plans. Deployments are particularly hard on children. My little family experienced many of these and a few more. Keeping in touch with my spouse was even difficult at times. I could always email him and tell him what was going on with us at home, but sometimes it would take days to get a reply back, and even then the content of the message was limited. My spouse was on a very secret ship that had not been introduced to the rest of the world yet, and for that reason we were never allowed to know his exact whereabouts. The kids would always ask "Where's daddy?" and all I could say is "Somewhere at sea Sweetie, he will be back before you know it." Sometimes though he wouldn't be. Sometimes he would be gone 3-6 months at a time, and 3-6 months in kid time was an eternity. So one night after actually HEARING from my husband, we discussed this issue at length and came up with a nifty little band-aid for our children's most common question.
We decided that every time he would pull into a port (sometimes this was the only time they would have internet) he could shoot us an email telling us how much candy he had left in his stash. I know many of you are puzzled by the relevance of his candy stash in an email. NO it wasn't because he wanted us to send him anything, or because he needed to buy more. It was because the numbers he would give would be his coordinates on a map. For example, if he said I still have 20 lollipops  and 105 pieces of bubble gum left in my stash, I could look the numbers up on our map we had posted on the dining room wall and see that he was in Puerto Vallarta. But because he wasn't allow to tell us where he was, it was our own little code and no one else would know any different. It wasn't so I could go tell all the other spouses, but rather just for our little ones to have something to look at and say "My daddy is right THERE!" It was a comfort thing, even if it was just a thumb tack on a map.

 I can't wait to tell the kids this story someday. Someday when they have forgotten and the remembrance of the memory will not only make them smile, but remember just how much they were loved and though of as children. Their smiles, both then and now, are what make my world a whole lot better and brighter.

baby blues.

When you  find out your having your first baby there are so many emotions that you feel all at once, your happy, your scared and your excited. For me I had all of those emotions plus one that most don't feel, sadness. I was sad because the one person I thought would be by my side all 9 months lived 14 hours away. My mom.

My mom and I are super close and I always knew that when the time came for me to have a baby that she would go to every appointment with me and take in the joy and excitement that a new baby brings, sadly that didn't happen for me. I was pregnant  in another state nowhere near my mom. I was lucky enough to have the wonderful support of Leah and her family but it wasn't the same, and when I began to experience complications with my pregnancy the longing for my mom became stronger. 

The months dragged on and in early June my pregnancy took a negative turn fast. I had been having problems with my blood pressure and on June 10th it all came to a head. I was kept in the hospital overnight to try and lower my blood pressure. We were still 5 weeks from my due date and I wanted to make sure the baby was healthy and I was going to do everything I could to keep her baking just a little longer. My body had other plans. On the 11th after returning home and my blood pressure rising once more my doctor made the decision to induce me. My mind went into overdrive and this unexpected news did nothing good for my blood pressure. This isn't how it was supposed to happen, we had a date planned, my mom isn't here, she is supposed to be here. The moment threw me into a panic attack. 

After rushing to pack my bags and the baby's bag we rushed to the hospital. My doctor assured me that we would not begin inducing until the next afternoon. My mom would leave the next morning and God willing she would get there in time. Leah and her mom were amazing! They did everything they could to make sure I was as comfortable as possible. When my husband had to leave to make the two hour drive to pick up my mom and grandma Leah didn't leave my side.Then at 2 am on the morning of June 13th all the pain seemed to ease as the one person I needed more than anyone walked through the door. My mom was here, she had made it. The remaining few hours she took over and was with me holding my hand until we heard my beautiful daughter's first cry.

So in the end even though it didn't all happen the way I had planned it all worked out just fine. I had a healthy, beautiful daughter and I had my mom. 

Bingo!

Moving 14 hours from the only home I had never known made me realize just how much of a mama's girl I really was. Even though Leah and I had became incredibly close I still missed my family and being pregnant with my first baby I was sad because I didn't have my mom there to experience it with me. I didn't know what I was doing half the time or what I was feeling and I didn't have my mom there hug me and tell me it was ok. 

When I met Leah's mom that all changed. I felt home. I felt loved and safe. From day one she treated me like another daughter. She hugged me, fed me and even yelled at me and I loved every moment of it. She and Leah also introduced me to bingo. Now granted I knew what bingo was, It was something that my grandma did with her friends, it was full of crazy, quirky superstitions and troll dolls, and it was the last place on earth that I thought at 19 years old I would be hanging out at on a weekly basis. If your asking yourself if Leah and I were the youngest people in there? The answer is yes, every week our pregnant butt's would waddle into a room full of 70 something's with mom in tow who would rub our bellies for good luck and provide us with countless hours of entertainment. We would sit and joke, play pull tabs and laugh until we were in tears. The three of us were partners in crime and it was amazing. I had another mom and sister. My first deployment had given me a gift that not many deployments give someone, it had given me a family. 

Holy Culture Shock Batman!!

Anger. Anger was the most prominent emotion I felt when the Coast Guard moved us away from what was so familiar to me. Change is scary. I am one of those people who can handle change if it is given in small increments. When handed a cross country move away from everything I ever knew, I admit it...I freaked out a bit.
However, Concord, California had a whole lot more than grocery store scares to offer me. New music, fashion, languages, 6 to 8 lane highways, and ethnic food were just a few things that bombarded and overwhelmed me. I guess living in the boonies my whole life had sheltered me from "the real world" quite a bit. I can tell you that the fashion I was use to seeing certainly didn't involve winter boots (UGGS) with mini skirts and belly shirts. One, because it was too cold, and two, because we were practical. We only wore boots because they were necessary to stay warm when trudging around in the snow, not to make a fashion statement.
I will never forget the day we decided to venture out to the Sun Valley Mall. The UGG boots and mini skirts were the first thing I noticed. I looked down at my plain-jane sneakers I was wearing with my boot cut jeans and began to worry if I would even blend in here, much less fit in. To me it was obvious I was an outsider. Someone who wasn't born and raised in the sunny fashionista land of California.
I think Michigan did shelter me. From pretty much everything. I wasn't prepared for the crazy highways, or the trillion different languages that sounded like mumbled garble and were so apparently foreign to me. OH! And the food! Nowhere Up North (Michigan) can you get authentic Mexican food, or Indian food, or real Thai! My taste buds were on fire with new flavors, or maybe that was all the hot sauce and peppers that they put on everything, either way it was so different!
Fellow military spouses: you DO NOT need to go around the world for a culture shock. Just move to California. :)

Although I hadn't realized it at that point, I was learning things about myself. I learned how to drive on said highways. I adjusted to the culture and learned some simple phrases in a few languages. My most favorite still being "Dos margaritas por favor!" I also learned how to be self sufficient in a new, unfamiliar place.

Bite, Peas, Ray Ray!

2 months into meeting Leah and boring days were a thing of the past. She had returned to work part time at a lawyer's office and I had begun watching Deacon, oh and we were completely inseparable! We spent every moment together aside from sleeping and depending on the day sometimes I never made it past her couch. Our husbands were often gone 6 weeks at a time and frankly being alone sucked. We were both pregnant and it was easier being together than being apart.   

Now with pregnancy comes cravings and mine EVERY SINGLE MORNING happened to be a giant Dr. Pepper and a cosmic brownie, this to a 16 month old is pure joy! I would come waddling in the door and the cheerios that Leah had placed on the highchair tray instantly became no longer fit to eat. Deacon would make his way over to me and with a sly grin, look at me and say "bite, peas, Ray Ray!" Now tell me how can you say no to that!? One bite became two and two became three and soon half my brownie was gone, this did nothing to satisfy my cravings so I solved the issue and starting buying two. Leah would give me the glad your staying home with him face and walk out the door, and we would start the morning with our brownies and  the backyardigans.